• Home
  • Parenting
  • Grief and Loss
  • About Lynn

The Light Will Find You

  • Home
  • Parenting
  • Grief and Loss
  • About Lynn

Onward and Upwards

July 27, 2013 By Lynn Shattuck 8 Comments

27 Jul

Fear crouches in my chest. The voices start up: who do you think you are? Why don’t you get a real job? You are going to embarrass yourself. You should be spending more time with your kids instead of writing.

Really? You guys again? I think.

With my recent recommitment to writing, I feel more like me. More alive. I’m finally, finally doing that one thing that I’ve always wanted to do but been too stuck or afraid or busy to really dive into consistently.

I’m not sure why writing feels easy and fun right now. Maybe it’s because I’m on the fast track to 40’sville and I’m realizing this is it, this is my life. Maybe all those years of therapy are finding kicking in. But wherever this tailwind is from, I’m grateful.

 

But I’m also scared.

I used to get frustrated when I’d work and work and work on an issue, seemingly moving forward, and then without warning, I’d backtrack. Fear and external challenges would pop up and sometimes I’d sabotage myself. The sabotage usually showed up as overeating, too much television, or isolation.

Then I heard of the concept of the ‘upward spiral.’ The theory is that as we move through life, working on our issues, we move forwards and up, around and around. On the Slinky of life, if you will. We don’t backtrack. But as we circle around, propelling upwards, we revisit old places. Hard places.

As a slowly recovering perfectionist, the idea of backsliding is blasphemy to me. But the idea of spiraling up makes sense. I’m writing and I’m running. Most importantly, I’m cozying up to myself. I’m showing up and showing myself: the awkward parts, the scary parts, the funny parts. All the parts.

I’m cycling up and around.

Last week, someone I care about criticized my writing, and worse, me. Because I believe in kindness, I’m not going to say more about that. But because I also believe in truth telling, I’m going to say that it sucked and my heart hurt. And for about 24 hours, that external, critical voice melded with my internal, critical voice and those voices were freakin’ loud. I doubted myself and the choices I was making in writing and sharing this all with you.

And then I talked to some friends and to my husband. I realized, oh, I bet this is that upward spiral thing again. And I breathed and I slept and when I woke up the next day, I felt a lot better.  

So see, you silly voices? I’m on to you. You saw me circling around and came out to meet me. You even brought friends. If you’re right? If this writing thing doesn’t work out? I can get a job. I can regroup and try something else. But before that, I’m going to give this thing a chance. This one thing that brings me alive, that brings me up and up and up.
Tweet
Pin
Share
0 Shares

Filed Under: Spirit

« Connections
Outwards and Inwards »

Comments

  1. K-Dub says

    July 29, 2013 at 2:03 pm

    Completely unrelated, but if that is a photo of the spiral staircase in your vacation rental this summer, I’m so glad children AND adults survived! 😉

    Reply
  2. Lynn says

    July 29, 2013 at 6:29 pm

    Haha! It was not the same spiral staircase– that would’ve been even worse (though also more aesthetically pleasing)!

    Reply
  3. Vincent says

    July 30, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Your words are delightful, brilliant and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. Vincent

    Reply
    • Lynn says

      July 30, 2013 at 4:35 pm

      Oh, thank you so much Vincent! Thank YOU for reading!

      Reply
  4. dorota says

    July 31, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    Love the image of the upward spiral that we’re on.

    You are following your heart and facing the fears at the same time!
    How inspiring for those of us who are struggling to dive in.

    Reply
    • Lynn says

      August 1, 2013 at 3:40 pm

      Thank you Dorota! It’s good, scary stuff! : )

      Reply
  5. Angela Kim says

    October 8, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    You write this well, how are you going to do anything else in life? 😉 My writing is nowhere near yours, but I find solace in knowing that perhaps one day I can gain the courage and really write..like you. Thanks for sharing, I’m so inspired by you!

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      October 8, 2013 at 8:01 pm

      Thanks so much for reading, Angela! I read a few of your blog posts and really enjoyed them. Keep going! And thanks so much for your kind words! : )

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Welcome. I'm Lynn Shattuck, and I write about grief, parenting and more.

  • Facebook
  • Pinterest
  • Twitter

Subscribe!

Popular Posts

How to Survive Losing a Brother or SisterHow to Survive Losing a Brother or Sister
For My Mom FriendsFor My Mom Friends
A Letter to Those Who Have LostA Letter to Those Who Have Lost
We Untether: For My Son as he Enters KindergartenWe Untether: For My Son as he Enters Kindergarten

Recent Posts

  • Help a Writer Out?
  • The Questions That Haunt Grieving Siblings
  • Instead of the “Forgotten Mourners,” What if We Called Grieving Brothers or Sisters This Instead?
  • Do You Believe in Ghosts?
  • When the Holidays Suck

Archives

  • March 2021
  • February 2021
  • December 2020
  • November 2019
  • March 2019
  • October 2018
  • February 2018
  • January 2018
  • October 2017
  • August 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • December 2016
  • August 2016
  • June 2016
  • November 2015
  • May 2015
  • April 2015
  • December 2014
  • November 2014
  • October 2014
  • September 2014
  • August 2014
  • July 2014
  • June 2014
  • May 2014
  • March 2014
  • February 2014
  • January 2014
  • November 2013
  • October 2013
  • September 2013
  • August 2013
  • July 2013
  • June 2013
  • May 2013

Tags

40 addiction Alaska Anxiety birthday body body image brother children christmas connection death depression early grief elephant journal embarrasment equinox family friends grandpa grandpa bill gratitude grief grief and loss guest post holiday blues holidays kids life light loss love mindfulness parenthood parenting pee poop postpartum running shame sibling loss sister spirit writing writing elsewhere

Copyright © 2022 · Lynn Shattuck · Designed by Beyond Blog Design· Built on Genesis Framework