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This Helped Me Survive Grief

February 16, 2018 By Lynn Shattuck 31 Comments

16 Feb

I was 24 when my little brother died. Losing Will was devastating– we were supposed to enjoy another 50 or 60 years of sharing our (dark!) sense of humor, reminiscing about our shared childhood, and watching each other’s lives unfold.

So often, for so long, I felt like his death broke me.

It’s been almost 19 years now, and I often get messages from women and men who’ve just lost a brother or sister. They’re in the raw, jagged pain of their loss. They ask questions like, “How am I going to get through this?” “What helped you cope?”

For me, there were two things that helped me most: finding other people who were grieving, and writing. You can read more about how writing helped over at Elephant Journal.

 

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Filed Under: Grief and Loss, sibling loss Tagged With: elephant journal, grief, sibling loss, surviving, tools, writing

« How it Felt to Lose My Sister: a Guest Post
Why This Viral Obituary Means So Much to Me »

Comments

  1. Stephen says

    June 6, 2018 at 11:12 pm

    I lost my brother to heroin three years ago. I just wanted to say thank you for writing about that.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      June 7, 2018 at 9:13 am

      Stephen, I’m so sorry. Thank you for your comment.

      Reply
  2. Katie C says

    July 6, 2018 at 1:53 am

    I lost my only brother in a one vehicle accident in September of 2017. Today is his birthday. I can relate to your story so much. I’m glad I found it!

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      July 6, 2018 at 9:30 am

      I’m so sorry, Katie. Thinking of you.

      Reply
  3. Tuesday says

    July 8, 2018 at 9:11 pm

    This past April, my 27 year old brother died of health complications from years of heroin use. I came across your story looking for guidance and it made me feel less alone. I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      July 20, 2018 at 11:19 am

      I”m so sorry about your brother. It’s so heart-breaking. Thinking of you as you navigate these early months.

      Reply
  4. Rebecca says

    July 20, 2018 at 12:05 am

    Losing a sibling early in life is an experience I most often shy away from revealing. My baby sister would have been 39 in August of this year. She died in a car accident when she was 2. Every year I think about who and where she would be had she not passed away. Thanks for sharing your loss and letting we who have lost a brother or sister know we are not alone. R

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      July 20, 2018 at 11:20 am

      You are definitely not alone, Rebecca. Thinking of you and your sister and sending love.

      Reply
  5. Fiona says

    August 22, 2018 at 7:35 pm

    My brother died a little over a year ago from substance abuse. Your writing has been the most relatable and comforting I have found and I wanted to say thank you; it’s nice to know I’m not alone in some of my feelings and thoughts.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      August 24, 2018 at 7:54 am

      I’m so sorry, Fiona. I’m glad you’ve found some comfort here. You’re so not alone.

      Reply
  6. Erin says

    August 23, 2018 at 12:49 am

    Thank you for your writings. My 55 year old (big) brother died in his sleep, it’s been 6 months and it has been the most devastating time in my life. We were very close, it’s still so very difficult for me.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      August 24, 2018 at 7:55 am

      Hi Erin, I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. It’s such a brutal loss. Thinking of you.

      Reply
  7. Nicole says

    September 22, 2018 at 4:39 am

    My bug brother just passed a few months ago. It was also heroin and his name was Will. I am 21 and in the midst of all the pain I wanted to thank you for writing your story. For giving me hope that I’ll be okay one day.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      September 22, 2018 at 8:22 am

      I’m so sorry, Nicole. Thinking of you and your Will.

      Reply
  8. Awaz says

    October 3, 2018 at 9:11 pm

    My only brother only sibling passed a few months ago ago from heart attack. We were very very close. Our mom passed when we were very young. We took care of each other. I miss him so much it’s still like a nightmare.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      October 5, 2018 at 11:24 am

      I’m so sorry, Awaz. Those first months are so raw and awful. I’m thinking of you.

      Reply
  9. Ben says

    February 10, 2019 at 8:48 pm

    I just came across this, my brother passed away almost a year and a half ago to drugs and what you wrote resonated with me and my experience thus far. Thank you and you’re in my prayers.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      February 11, 2019 at 12:43 pm

      Thanks Ben. I’m so sorry to hear of your brother. Big hugs to you.

      Reply
  10. Riley says

    February 16, 2019 at 10:14 pm

    Reading what you have shared about your loss has deeply touched my heart. A week after my 20th birthday I also lost my only sibling to drugs. Thank you, your words have truly gifted me hope for the hard years to come. I wish nothing but light and happiness for you and your family.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      February 25, 2019 at 11:04 am

      Thank you Riley. I’m so sorry for your loss. Much love to you.

      Reply
  11. Rebecca says

    February 17, 2019 at 10:29 am

    Lynn- thank you for capturing so many thoughts that we all have. I love the phrase co-keeper of my childhood. It’s like no one else out there will remember your childhood- and part of it is gone with their passing. My brother fell down the stairs and died at 44. It’s been 3 years- he was my older brother, protector, and person who always found me funny. I also like the 4 legged table- and we will wobble around for the rest of our life.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      February 25, 2019 at 11:04 am

      Thank you Rebecca. I’m so sorry about your brother. It’s such a brutal loss.

      Reply
  12. Susan Oliver says

    February 20, 2019 at 1:38 pm

    I commented on your article on Elephant Journal but also found your website. Your situation really resonated due to our similar ages, then going back to college afterwards. My brother died in a fiery one car accident on Thanksgiving Day 1986. He was 20; I was 22.

    I struggled for several years with anger and all the phases we go through when we grieve. I had not seen other situations like this at that point of my life. I had friends who had several siblings and didn’t appreciate them. And I lost my only one? How was that fair? Then as I got older I started to see where others had it worse. There were those who lost ALL their siblings. Some who lost them much younger than me. Someone is starting down this painful road TODAY. Everyday it is hitting someone in the face the way it did us.

    It’s been 32 years and I am now 54 and retired. I have what alludes people a lot of the time – peace and contentment with my life. I realized my life could end in a second, and not to take anything for granted. And so there was a silver lining in this suffering, and I do think this was a lesson I might not have learned otherwise.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      February 25, 2019 at 11:05 am

      Thank you Susan. I feel very similar to you– there are some silver linings in this journey, though it’s not the path any of us would’ve chose willingly. Hugs to you.

      Reply
  13. Tara says

    February 23, 2019 at 6:48 am

    I lost my 8 year old brother when he was hit by a car in 1973. I was just 6. Although it has been more than 45 years, I still feel the loneliness of the void he left. His birthday and death still haunt. It’s hard to think about everything he has missed. I always think about what he would have been like, but’s its like he was frozen in time.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      February 25, 2019 at 11:06 am

      Oh Tara, my heart goes out to you. I’m sorry about your brother. Huge hugs.

      Reply
  14. Carolyn says

    February 27, 2019 at 12:02 pm

    I lost my 24 yr old younger sister to cancer and so struggled to find a place…. A place where sibling loss was mentioned as a lifetime loss… I have said since that when she left she took with her our past, present and future… We were to watch one another marry, have kids, make poor and great choices….. Etc… Its been 12 years and your writing was so soothing to my soul… Side note… My family and I just moved to Maine😉. Thank you for writing for others to read… I found her old journals and write to Cathie there and have never shared…

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      March 6, 2019 at 10:21 am

      Hi Carolyn. So sorry you lost your little sister. So hard. And welcome to Maine! 🙂

      Reply
  15. Sarah says

    March 6, 2019 at 10:14 am

    : I lost my older brother to an accidental heroin/fentanyl overdose almost 3 years ago. 3/6/16 was the last day I saw him, at my sons 5th birthday party. A week later he was gone.
    Thank you for sharing your grief and story. This journey is not an easy one.

    Reply
    • Lynn Shattuck says

      March 6, 2019 at 10:22 am

      I’m so sorry, Sarah. Huge hugs as you come up on the anniversary.

      Reply
  16. dänisches bettenlager says

    May 3, 2020 at 9:39 am

    First off I want to say terrific blog! I had a quick question in which I’d like to ask if you do not mind.
    I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing.
    I’ve had a difficult time clearing my mind
    in getting my thoughts out there. I do take pleasure in writing but it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are usually wasted
    just trying to figure out how to begin. Any recommendations or tips?
    Thanks!

    Reply

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